The Family: Communication Breakdown Will Lead To Divorce -Tai Isong

 

“Men can basically handle only one task at a time. Woman can handle several tasks at the same time. When men face problems they tend to withdraw till they can figure out how to proceed. Women respond to problems by sharing with as many people as possible”

PEGASUS REPORTERS, LAGOS | FEBRUARY 12, 2022

A communication breakdown between couples can be defined as a point where couples fail to communicate in a healthy way about disagreements or misunderstandings. Effective communication skills improve relationship satisfaction and reduce conflict within the relationship and facilitate closeness.

It is crucial to understand what a communication breakdown is and what to do when communication breaks down in a marriage?Even perfectly happy couples can occasionally exhibit such behaviours during an intense period of conflict. The real danger here is letting these behaviours become habitual ways of interaction.

There are so many circumstances that can lead to this problem, and you want to do your best to fix it before things get really out of hand..When you got married it’s all about the two of you but as time goes on the kids come and we tend to let it be about them.Now that you have other people and other responsibilities in your life, you still need to make communication and each other a top priority.You need to care about each other’s needs,feeling.When this is lacking the communication is likely going to suffer.

Here are some factors that lead to communication breakdown:

1.Believing you have communicated to your partner and they are just not in-tune at that moment.
2. Talking without listening to your partner.
3. Poor connection / fear.
4 Trying to convince or prove a point.
5 .Second-guessing your partner.
6. Talking too much.
7.Saying too little or giving one word answer.
8.Talking down on your partner.
9.Stop delegating and pointing out things you want your partner to do, instead get it done yourself.
10.Burnout of one partner within the house eg chores,kids and more.

Types of communication barriers include generational barriers, language barriers, location barriers, emotional barriers, lack of attention to details, lack of confidence, poor listening skills,non-verbal cues,poor attitudes,
Don’t you get eating up in… me and only me attitude at the same time your partner also should be aware of this me, me, attitude.

A rule of thumb is that we need to practice listening twice as much as we speak or at the very least, we need to be better at listening to what our partner is sharing with us and ensure that we take it all in.

You can’t build a house without the right foundation if communication is broken.
Relationships need real talk, even when it’s uncomfortable,the more you prioritize communication, the more it can help you and your spouse bond and strengthen your relationship.

Lack of communication will lead to
Breach of trust.
Built-up of resentment.
Difficulty with vulnerability.
Financial disagreements.
Lack of time together.
Insecurities.
Parental conflicts.
Unrealistic expectations
Talking and yelling pattern
Talking “at” someone often means you’re trying to be heard. Talking “with” someone, on the other hand, means you are trying to understand each other. Learn to understand this.

Yelling can make things even more complicated, being yelled at activates the fight and flight response and floods the body with stress hormones.
2. Being bitter toward your spouse is like hold communicating your needs and complaints regularly.
3. Separating your spouse’s actions from their character, e.g I feel hurt that the dishes weren’t done” versus “You’re a lazy potato.
4. When it comes to relationships, two halves don’t make a whole,It’s more accurate to say two “whole” people come together, each with separate interests and identities.
4. Shifting the pronouns to “we” instead of “me”learn to speak up and be your own advocate.
5. Journaling of consciousness; observing your thoughts in meditation
practicing what you want to say in a mirror and get comfortable before saying it,especially when you’re hurt.
6. Writing a venting letter that you won’t send is very good,its thus help to relieve pain.
7. Relax your body language to signal “openness.” and no interrupting or raising your voice when speaking.
8. Avoid complaining and blaming. Use “I” statements like “I feel sad when I cook dinner and end up eating it alone”).I feel unhappy when all the cooking and chores is my responsibility,I am burnt-out. While you’re silent, hone your active listening skills.

When the timer goes off, reset it so the other person can speak.
Here is four toxic ways of interacting that prevent couples from resolving problems constructively. These common behavioural problems includes
Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, Stonewalling.

Criticism: Involves attacking someone’s personality rather than their behaviour. Contempt: Does overwhelm the relationship and eclipse positive feelings between partners.
Defensiveness: emerges when both partners feel victimized by each other, so that neither is willing to initiate action to resolve the initial conflict. One of the reasons that defensiveness can be so destructive is that it becomes a reflex in which the victim react on instinct.
Stonewalling; Appears when the relationship is nearing rock bottom,this is when one or both partners simply stop responding to each other.They start withdrawing from each other by presenting a stonewall response (i.e. no response at all). Partners who are stonewalling usually avoid eye contact and use rigid body language such as no facial movement, not nodding assent, facing away from their partner to indicate that they are not listening. Stonewalling is in itself a very powerful act.

Communication is an art that needs to be developed by couples right from the start. This involves active listening, trying to understand what the spouse is saying through words and body language, and responding in a way that encourages further communication instead of cutting it short.

Some of the common causes for communication foul-ups and breakdowns includes:

Wrong assumptions. There are several wrong assumptions people have at the back of their minds about life, marriage, dealing with others, etc., which can act as foundations for building up wrong communication practices.Some wrong sayings and common words being used eg, My way of looking at things, doing things, responding to problems, etc., are the right ways. My partner would do well to listen to me. This is the way I am. My partner had better get used to me. My partner can guess what I am thinking.

It is better to have peace and not raise problem issues. Men and women are both equally important to God, but they are different from each other, not just physically but also in many aspects of psychology. If couples do not understand how different their partners are from them just because they are of the opposite gender, a lot of communication can get fired up. Men talk with the goal of exchanging information. Women talk just to connect with other people.
When a wife shares a problem with her husband, the husband tends to offer a direct solution. But the wife is not necessarily looking for a solution as much as emotional support.

Men can basically handle only one task at a time. Woman can handle several tasks at the same time. When men face problems they tend to withdraw till they can figure out how to proceed. Women respond to problems by sharing with as many people as possible. Men do not wish to appear vulnerable by asking for help. Women like to appear vulnerable because then they will have someone coming to help them.

Men like to act independent and avoid intimacy. Women enjoy intimacy and dependence. Men like to talk in public because it makes them feel important, but hardly talk in private. Women talk much in private because it builds intimacy, but feel insecure in public.

Men tend to talk to gain significance. Women tend to talk to gain security. Men tend to talk on one subject at a time. Women tend to flit from subject to subject.

Men tend to talk directly and factually. Women tend to talk indirectly expecting to draw the others into a conversation.

My partner’s duty is to make me happy. Unless my partner changes I cannot be happy. We tend to imitate our parents or other caregivers and authority figures in the way they communicated with others.
The domineering father and a subdued mother.
The ‘absent’ father or mother.
The exalted father who is unapproachable.
The nagging mother.
The quarrelsome/toxic patents.

Past experience of failure to resolve conflicts.Without understanding the differences between how husbands and wives communicate,it will lead to relationships collapse. Unwillingness to acknowledge mistakes and set things right will lead to resentment. Ego problem where no one is willing to back down or take the first step forward will keep intensifying the problems and both partners will drift apart.It is easier to sit back and put the blame on the other partner than to try and find better ways to communicate. pleases note “If your way has not worked so far, maybe it’s time to try a different way.

What is needed for healing this breakdown in communication:
Couples need to identify that these types of breakdown can be overcome, by putting some effort to understand themselves and their partners.Taking deliberate steps to communicate is necessary. If previous attempts have not worked out well, perhaps a change of approach might help. A competent consultant/coach can help and point both in the right direction. But couples must see that communication is the lifeline of their marriage, and they need to keep that going at all cost and be mindful.

Jump to your own conclusions is very easy and to put a negative spin on whatever is being said is very common in communication breakdown. communication couldn’t be as easy as just listening more but willingness to learn the practice communication skills is very crucial. We all have a desire to be listened to and acknowledged for who we are, but the consequence of not truly listening is the cause of most conflicts in the relationship.

Study shows that 80% of all conflicts in a relationship are shaped from communication misunderstandings. They occur because we don’t listen to what is actually being said, and we don’t ask if we’re unclear about something, we assume and interpret wrongly what is being communicated. If your marriage is struggling and maybe your partner is one of the non approachable type, or even the control freak who feels they know it all, there are still measure to take to conquer this kind of individual if it’s non intentional. Marriage is meant to be enjoyed and not endured.

Our program is designed to tackle the root of toxic/unhappy marriages and rebuild the foundation on which the marriage is built and its values.
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